I see the pattern again, the cold dismissiveness, the putdowns, the insults. Queue the blatant & very predictable announcement, “the relationship is over!!!” Expressed with such volatility, it seems to come from the mouth of a raging toddler. But no, its an adult, in the midst of the quintessential rage.
You’ve heard this declaration more times then you can count. So much so, it does not seem to phase you anymore. It is very a calculated technic, not utilized too often. It rears its nasty head the moment they feel slighted, found out, losing control or is the tactic favored to justify their own bad behaviors.
Deployed with military precision…Operation: The Fuckening.
Like the story of the little boy that cried wolf. How is this time different i think panicking, adrenaline coursing.
In the beginning of our love story, when i unknowingly was in my training. My response was something i am ashamed of. Laying on the floor, screaming, begging, crying, calling one hundred thousand times. Losing friends, exhausted from my intense obsession. Drained from hours of listening to me try to make sense of what i was experiencing. Sometimes shutting myself in a room, while my young son would be on the otherside needing me…food, playing. I am sure his little body & soul, was overwhlemed with this unfamiliar sense of dread. He is so of me, he came from me. How could he not. That is another tale. My mom guilt for losing so much time with my baby, as i gave in to this madness.
Since i have been dealing with this unhealthy reality for as long as I have, I too have transformed. Not only into a numb human who has overtime learned to ignore the cruelty or laugh at the rages, but i also a spy and a psychologist. I am certain I have become an expert on recognizing the pattern. It is a necessary evil – a tool my subconscious developed. A shield. A weapon. When the shits hitting the fan i can easily reach towards my belt to unsheath my blade – doing so almost calms my fears. In my mind if I am able to recognize the pattern, understand what is causing it, almost like a mathematician or scientist, keeping it so science based, it seems to calm me and my worry just a little less. Sadly however the chronic exposure to this type of abusive behavior does provoke an innate sense of doubt. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. The constant stress of the sense of impending doom.
Explains why i have never felt settled. Why i still have am almost empty storage facility. And why here are boxes in the attic filled with duplicate sets of the fancy dinnerware and pricey pots & pans, labeled. “Incase you want to me leave, again.” .
Its exactly what gaslighting is, right.
